This is a collection of statements that parents should never say to their kids. Now, a lot of these statements were told to them by their parents, but it's important to reparent yourself and to remember that the words your parents say to you does not mean it is the truth.
Their feelings towards you does not equate to facts, and it says way more about them and their own insecurities than it does about you. So here we go, a list of things parents should never say to their children:
1. "Don't go in the sun...you'll get too dark." - This is stemmed from vanity and also years of conditioning in Indian culture that the whiter you are the more beautiful you are. There is a lot to unpack about the history of this and how Indian culture often idealizes white culture due to imperialism....but to keep things simple...just stop telling people to not enjoy their lives because you think that being a ghost is better than having melanin.
2. "We have to kick you out of this house to protect your sister from you."- Indian parents love to control and straighten you out if you aren't following their chosen path for you. They'll try to make it sound like they're doing the whole family a favor by disowning you because you are being a little rebellious.
3. "You should never have kids. You're too selfish."- Just remember if a parent tells you this...when they point a finger to you they are pointing three fingers back at them. So just remember that their statements show a lot more about them than yourself.
4. "I don't think your father loves you."- Parents should never speak ill of each other to their children. What goes on between parents is meant to be heard by only themselves...parents need to stop villainizing the other parent to their offspring and should probably seek couples counseling if they're triangulating their children.
5. "Your father never spends time with you...he's just always our with his friends".- again...go to couples counseling.
6. "You are the reason this family is dysfunctional."- Dysfunctional parents create dysfunctional children...so the reason this family is dysfunctional is because of your parents, not you. Your parents are the ones who should be seeking therapy and taking medications but instead you are.
7. "Stop psychoanalyzing everything." - We aren't psychoanalyzing, this is how our brain works and it's equivalent to telling someone to calm down...when their body/mind cannot just turn it on/off. We have been conditioned and traumatized to "psychoanalyze" in order to feel safe. Because this was the only way we could survive in our household.
8. "It's all in your head."- This is incredibly invalidating and makes the person feel crazy and alone.
9. "We gave you everything, why are you depressed?" - Oh maybe because parents sometimes only show their love by buying you things...and you need emotional support instead? Also depression is a disease like diabetes/cancer...so start believing that anyone can have depression even if they have "everything in the world".
10. "You don't need therapy because I didn't need therapy". - Ummm everyone should go to therapy it's amazing.
11) "You've gained weight and your hair is thin."- Even if the parent thinks they are being honest...this just shows their superficialness and insecurity about image. Don't let it affect you.
12. "Why can't you just be a doctor?" - This statement is showing that parents only see their kids as an extension of themselves and not as individual beings...which is incredibly narcissistic.
13. "Stop crying, you're too sensitive and need thick skin."- Remember vulnerability is strength and showing emotion is healthy.
14."I'm cutting you out of the will." - Your parents are trying to control you with their money. Don't let them. Tell them you will be fine without their money.
15. "We had a harder life than you."- Another invalidating statement that is ignorant and shows 0 empathy.
16. "You're so much like your father."- If your parent hates your other parent and always compares you to their partner that they hate... this makes it feel like they hate you as well.
17. "You seem to have energy for everything else." - Passive aggressive statements that make you feel crazy.
18. "Don't get mad when people tell you how they truly feel about you."- Invalidating and telling the person who is upset how they should feel.
19. "Good luck finding someone who will want to marry you, you are hard to handle."- Makes you feel unloved.
20. "Why aren't you more girly, sit like a lady, don't wear baggy clothes."- Not accepting the child for how they'd like to express themselves and putting the child into a box of gender roles and norms.
21. "I don't want to know about your disorder, that's on you."- Having 0 empathy and not wanting to read and educate oneself on their child's disorder is going to make for a tumultuous relationship.
What are some things your parents have said that have stuck with you?
Sayonara,
Raveena Kay