We are often told to beware of the "bad boy", which is totally true. You should never date someone you think you can fix/who is emotionally manipulative and toxic. However, I want to shed light on the supposed "nice guy" and their red flags. Have you heard the song "Nice guys finish last". It's catchy but it also doesn't talk about why girls don't usually go for the nice guy....and it's because a guy that has to say he's a nice guy....is 98.9% usually not a nice guy. So ladies and gentlemen take note:
RED FLAG #1: He says on the first date that he's a "nice guy". Try to ask him to go deeper in what makes him a nice guy and he usually can't say much. He often also thinks that women rejected him because he was "too nice" when actually it was probably because he thought "since I'm sooo nice I don't have to actually provide any other value towards the relationship”. TIP: Ask him about his exes, and if he calls them crazy, doesn’t take responsibility for his side of the break up because he was “nice”...good luck. He sounds like a narcissist.
RED FLAG #2: He isn’t KIND. Kindness is different from niceness. Even though we use these words interchangeably here is a chart to help you figure out if your guy is kind.
Nice guys are more about people-pleasing and less confrontational. They don’t have a backbone towards speaking up and standing up for others because then they’ll be looked at as “aggressive”. And while no one wants someone who is aggressive, you don’t want someone passive or passive-aggressive. You want someone assertive. However, you can’t change someone, so don’t expect the nice guy to become assertive. He will stay passive. Unless he wants to change.
RED FLAG #3 When you’ve dated him for a while, all you can say about him is that he’s nice. If you’ve dated this guy for more than 3-5 months and the only thing you like about him is that he’s nice, you might need to introspect about whether you are really just with him solely because he’s nice. If your interests don’t align, he’s not emotionally supporting you, he’s become selfish in the relationship...and you’ve brought these issues to his attention and he doesn’t change/sees a need to change….girl bye. He might say the right words...but actions speak louder than words. So listen to your gut.
RED FLAG #4 He doesn’t see the need to change/grow because he doesn’t see his flaws. You won’t notice this until 1 year into the relationship. If you bring up recurring issues and he doesn’t see your side, want to change, or want to see how you both can grow together then he isn’t as nice as you think he is. He again, could be a narcissist….seeing the pattern?
RED FLAG #5 If you bring up a problem you have about him/the relationship, he will immediately play devil’s advocate, call you crazy, or invalidate your feelings. In his mind, he has been “the perfect” boyfriend...because you guessed it….he was NICE. He never yelled at you….he didn’t fight with you...he didn’t criticize you….However that’s the exact problem. He does that with EVERYONE.
Women who are with nice guys feel that they can’t be their authentic self/be upset about a valid problem because the nice guy is usually going to say “I don’t understand...I did nothing wrong”. “I am nice though”. “I don’t know what you want from me”. They don’t know how to take their significant other’s point of view. If you are upset at his friends, he usually will care more about his image with his friends than his relationship with you. If you want him to advocate for you, he’s not going to do that because he doesn’t want to rock the boat with people. He will always be more concerned about how others view him than how you feel in the relationship. And that is something he needs to realize and change about himself.
What if you're with a nice guy and you want to stay with him? That's great!! You can still be with the nice guy, IF he's willing to change. However it's not your job to change him. He has this narcissistic persona due to parenting styles, socialization of men, and the media. That's a lot to peel back, so the best course of action is to seek relationship counseling and individual counseling. Be open and honest with communication, and if none of that's working....it might be time to say goodbye.
-Raveena Kay